


The Dead Wizard Sketch

by Julia_Fractal



Series: Harry Potter Works [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Monty Python - Fandom
Genre: Dead Parrot Sketch, Humor, M/M, Meta, Monty Python
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-12
Updated: 2018-05-12
Packaged: 2019-05-05 17:04:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14623224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Julia_Fractal/pseuds/Julia_Fractal
Summary: *~*~*A Harry Potter parody of Monty Python's famous "Dead Parrot Sketch.""He is resting in peace! He has fallen beyond the Veil and left us forever. Hes kicked the bucket, dead as a doornail, gone to doggie heaven, given up the ghost, hes standing outside the Pearly Gates and making a pass at St. Peter as we speak! This wizard is absolutely, irrevocably, without a shadow of a doubt DECEASED!!!"*~*~*





	The Dead Wizard Sketch

**Author's Note:**

> Check out Monty Python's original [Dead Parrot Sketch.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4vuW6tQ0218)

*~*~*

 

Customer: [Enters shop, levitating the corpse of Sirius Black behind her.]  
  
Shopkeeper: "Hello. What can I do for you?"  
  
Customer: "I wish to register a complaint regarding the wizard I bought from your store half an hour ago."  
  
Shopkeeper: [Looking slightly shifty.] "Ah yes, Mr. Sirius Black. Comes from a most noble and distinguished Pureblood lineage, and has great hair to boot. What's wrong with him?"  
  
Customer: "He's dead."  
  
Shopkeeper: "Oh no. I mean, nonono, he's not dead. He's um... taking a nap."  
  
Customer: "Look here, I know a dead man when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now."  
  
Shopkeeper: "No, he's just sleeping! Remarkable wizard, this one: Handsome, emotionally complex, and virile as a stud. And just look at the lovely tresses..."  
  
Customer: "Forget about the hair, he's -"  
  
Shopkeeper: "But it's one of his best selling points. Long, black, luxuriantly flowing, and 100% fanon."  
  
Customer: "Forget the hair! Not even Sirius Black would care about the state of his silky, obsidian locks when he's bleeding demised!"  
  
Shopkeeper: "But he was sitting up when you bought him."  
  
Customer: "I took the liberty of examining him when I got home, and the only reason he could sit was because you'd stuck his bum to the display with an extra-sticky adhesion charm!"  
  
Shopkeeper: "I um...had to. He'd have risen up and scampered off otherwise."  
  
Customer: "Risen? You couldn't get a rise out of him if you paraded out Harry in his birthday suit, Snape on a leash, and Remus Lupin in a frilly French maid outfit singing 'Happy Days are Here Again'!"  
  
Shopkeeper: "Well, he may be a tad tired out at the moment and sleeping very deeply..."  
  
Customer: "He's already entered the eternal sleep! Look!"  
  
[Customer holds a mirror in front of Black's face, no breath fogs the glass. Hits Black's knee with a hammer, Black's leg does not move. Flicks Black on the forehead, he keels over, stiff as a board.]  
  
Shopkeeper: "He's just resting."  
  
Customer: "He is resting in peace! He has fallen beyond the Veil and left us forever. He's kicked the bucket, dead as a doornail, gone to doggie heaven, given up the ghost, he is standing outside the Pearly Gates and making a pass at St. Peter as we speak! This wizard is absolutely, irrevocably, without a shadow of a doubt DECEASED!!!"  
  
Shopkeeper: "Well, truth be told, all the Blacks are."  
  
Customer: "He's no use to me dead."  
  
Shopkeeper: "He can still serve as excellent eye-candy. You could use him as a lawn ornament, deck him with holly and twinkling lights at Christmas, or turn him into a ventriloquist's dummy!"  
  
Customer: [Crosses arms over chest and looks decidedly unimpressed.]  
  
Shopkeeper: "Why'd you need him alive anyway?"  
  
Customer: "Look, I'm a slasher. I want to see my men snogging, groping, and shagging each other senseless around the clock. A dead Black is simply no good!"  
  
Shopkeeper: [Opens mouth.]  
  
Customer: "And before you mention it, necrophilia is really not my cup of tea."  
  
Shopkeeper: [Closes mouth.]  
  
Shopkeeper: "I can offer you a replacement."

[Begins hefting a human-shaped bundle out of the dusty backroom.]  
  
Customer: "Does he radiate bad-boy sex appeal in his youth, grow up to become a beguiling contradiction of arrogance and compassion, and endure twelve years of suffering without losing his ruggedly handsome good looks?"  
  
Shopkeeper: "Erm... no."

[Drops the bundle with a loud thump]  
  
Customer: "I'm not leaving this store until I get a living Sirius Black!"  
  
Shopkeeper: "But the author said --"  
  
Customer: "I don't care! Give me a time-turner, a necromancer, a bloody miracle, I'll take anything that makes Sirius live again!"  
  
Shopkeeper: "But JKR herself wrote that Black fell and... Oh wait, I have the perfect solution!"

[Hands customer a small sticker]  
  
Customer: [A huge grin slowly spreads across her face. She slaps the sticker marked 'AU' on Black's forehead, and exits with a living, breathing Sirius in tow.]  
  
Shopkeeper: "Thank you, come again!"

 

*~*~*  
  
*The End*

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally written years ago, but I'm re-posting to AO3 to have all my fics in one spot. Kudos and comments always make me smile.


End file.
